#154: Play the chocolate game

CJ just had a birthday. In the course of conversation, I discovered something truly horrific. He had never played the chocolate game.

There are a lot of chocolate games, I know. I’m referring to the one in which players sit in a circle around a large block of chocolate, rolling a pair of dice. Whenever someone rolls a double, they must don various items of clothing, then neatly slice off a square of chocolate and eat it with a knife and fork. Unless, of course, someone else rolls a double and they must quickly pass on the clothing, chocolate and cutlery.

We made each other put on rubber gloves and a fedora.

There wasn’t nearly so much violence as I remembered, probably because we’re GROWN-UPS now and we can go buy our own darn chocolate any time we want to. I was uncannily lucky with the dice, which was particularly silly since I’m in the process of losing weight. Bah!

We polished off a large block with consummate ease, all the same.

Play along at home: Next time you have a party, play the game. I’m sure you can play it with other substances if that’s more your thing.

Coming very soon (probably Sunday): I have finished reading the Trixie Belden and “The Gay Dolphin Adventure”. You’re gonna love the results.

“VAMPIRE DIARIES” story so far:

3

Woke up totally gross. Had a shower then realised I’m, like, a vampire now. My friend Sammy’s gonna be SO jealous!

*

Spent all day looking for a mirror that works. This sucks! Also I feel super hungry, and I get the feeling celery won’t fix this craving.

4

Killed a guy. He was, like, totally delicious!

5

Killed an old lady. Yuck, now my breath smells of mothballs.

6

Called Sammy. Said I’m totally a vampire.

She giggled, “You mean a vamp, right?”

“No! Well. . . that too.”

*

Sammy brought her new boyfriend over. SERIOUSLY yum. I know it seems rude to eat him, but I’m, like, evil now. He was finger-licking good.

*

Sammy had a totally unfair tantrum over me eating Bill. “I’m going to tell on you!” she said.

I said, “Who to? I’d sure love to eat a cop.”

7

Went outside. Got serious sunburn – like, with charring. I’m so buying spray tans from now on.

*

Sammy left a message on my machine. “My new friend Bunny’s totally going to get you. AND I have a new boyfriend, anyway. So there.”

*

Too embarrassed to go out with my skin looking so bad. Put off eating Sammy’s hot new treat until tomorrow.

8

Misty day. Went to Sammy’s house. The boyfriend was there, and BIG. They fought me off with frypans and a cricket bat. Stupid humans!

*

Hungry. Soooooo hungry. Almost as bad as doing the Atkins diet all over again. Stupid sun is out!

*

Ate Rover. Feel sick to my stomach, but I think that’s indigestion. Bad dog.

9

Short blonde at the door. My stomach rumbled. “Won’t you come in?” She smiled sweetly, and showed me what she had. A pointy stick.

*

I asked, “What’s that for? Making a tiny fence?”

She smiled, “I’m Bunny. I hear you don’t like sunshine.”

“But I do like visitors.”

*

I leapt for her throat. She slapped me aside, laughing. I grabbed for her pointy stick and she drove it into my belly. Ow! I ran.

10                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Great. Now I’m stuck in a sewer hiding from someone called Bunny. I’m totally hungry, and my top is RUINED.

*

So hungry for so long, and no weight loss. That’s IT. I’m going to kill Bunny. And Sammy. And her big cricketer boyfriend.

*

I creep to Sammy’s house and Bunny is there. They’re sharpening weapons and laughing. I feel scared. Luckily, Sammy has a dog. Had.

11

I realise now that hiding in Sammy’s treehouse wasn’t a good idea. Sammy and whatsisface are climbing the ladder – and the sun’s out.

*

I kick the boy in the face and he flies backwards. Sammy screams, but no one hears. He doesn’t get up. I drag Sammy inside by the hair.

*

Sammy punches me right where Bunny stabbed me – and it doesn’t hurt a bit. I knock her out against the trunk and drink deeply. She’s spicy.

12

I wake up when my little finger catches fire from a hole in the treehouse roof. Sammy and her boy are glaring at me – alive. And Bunny. Oh.

*

“We drugged you,” says Bunny, “so you’ll tell us who made you a vamp.”

 “Hollywood?” I slur.

Bunny rolls her eyes: “VampIRE.”

“Oh! I dunno.”

*

Bunny says, “Male? Female?”

“I didn’t see.”

She paces: “Where were you that night?”

“Um. . . at a club.”

“Right. Tomorrow we’ll go there.”

13

Bunny and Sammy leave my hands tied for our trip downtown to hunt my sire. The club is all flashing lights and skin. Hungry!

*

I spot my sire by smell – and by the fact that he’s flirting with a particularly delicious-looking redhead. Bunny sees where I’m looking.

*

“Mort!” I yell, “watch out!”

His head snaps up. Bunny shoves me aside and I run for it, hoping Mort gets away. He’s seriously hot.

14

I discovered I could find Mort by smell. Cool (and a bit gross.) He was in a really dorky lair with a bunch of others. “Hi again,” I said.

*

“Did I sire you?” said Mort.

I said, “Yep.”

“Was I really drunk?”

“Well – yes. Is your name really Mort?”

“Uh huh. Definitely not Bill.”

*

“I suppose you have questions about all this,” said Bill/Mort.

I said, “Oh! So many. First, what are vampires wearing this season?”

15

These other vampires don’t understand what being a vampire is all about: looking this good forever. And killing, of course (I suppose.)

*

That reminds me, I could do with a snack. If I can’t lose weight, I can’t gain it either. This vampire thing is to die for!

*

Ate a schoolkid on their way home. Feel MUCH better now, thank you. Even if some of the kid got stuck in my teeth. HOW embarrassing!

16

I still gotta kill Sammy and Bunny and whatsisface. It should be easy now they don’t have a dog. Not that Fifi was the guard dog type.

*

Sammy’s neighbour’s at home. I knock at the door and she opens it. “Myf?” I say.

She says, “Oh hello dear. Won’t you come in?”

*

Nom nom.

17

My new hideout is a little floral, but I like it. Sammy and Bunny never separate, but whatsisface comes and goes.

*

The bigger they are, the more blood for me to drink. Right? Right!

Unfortunately, Myf didn’t keep any decent weapons. Just cats.

*

Pretty sure throwing cats at whatsisface won’t kill him. I gotta be smart. Gotta think of a good plan. The kind that doesn’t get me killed.

18

Screw plans. Sick of an all-cat diet, I followed whatsisface until he was out of sight of Sammy’s house. Then I grabbed him from behind.

*

He threw me into a rose bush, but wasn’t smart enough to run away. I bounded out fangs first and got him. He struggled, but passed out.

*

Mort appeared. “If you were trying to turn him undead, you should have fed him some of your blood.”

“Oh. So turning him over won’t work?”

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