I awoke with a blood-soaked neck. Still not EMO. . . oh wait, yes I am. Finally I understand that everything sucks. Still glued to window.
The sun climbed the sky. Sparkles danced across my skin like annoying little angels of joy. Bleaugh! Stupid Christmas! Stupid glue!
The sparkles ended, and I felt hungry for leftover Turkey instead of blood. I’m not EMO any more, hurray! Now if I could just unglue myself.
This is a game a friend showed me (usually played with your twelve favourite characters from any media):
Ten twittertales characters (from the first three stories – the third begins on 3 Jan 2010):
1. Sol the crazed pirate (brought up as a princess until she fled)
2. Ulandin, her disturbingly loyal first mate (and the narrator of the first twitter tale)
3. Jimmy Bind, ridiculously handsome hero of the spy tale beginning Jan 3
4. Bell, dopey girl with EMO boyfriend
5. Ed, her EMO boyfriend, who wants to drink her blood
6. Yen, the circus-raised Chinese super assassin (January story)
7. Pi, the genius ten-year old
8. Boy, the mysterious shipmate who doesn’t obey the laws of nature (gravity, physics, etc). Or magic (rules, limitations, etc)
9. Fu. He is Yen’s sister, a supervillain with mother issues (also a master of disguise) – from the spy story
10. Mrs Fu, mother to Yen and Fu, likes blowing stuff up (spy story).
11. (Can’t think of any more fictional characters) Louise Curtis (my G/PG rated self)
12. Felicity Bloomfield (mostly myself, but not quite. Obsessed writer)
1. Who would make a better college professor, #6 Yen or #11 Louise Curtis?
Louise Curtis. She/I do a lot of teaching. Yen would get annoyed and snap someone’s neck.
2. Would #2 Ulandin win the award for Cutest Guy of the Year?
No. He’s okay-looking, but if he won Captain Sol might notice he looks nice, and kill him. (She doesn’t approve of attractiveness, due to being raised as a princess.)
3. #12 Felicity Bloomfield sends #8 Boy out on a mission. Does it succeed? What is it?
Oh, that’s complex. It’s rather circular, since Boy is (sort of) Felicity’s creation, but Felicity is the creation of God, who Boy is based on. If I dared send him on a mission, it’d probably be for money. It’d succeed if he felt like giving me money. It’s far more likely I’d get frustrated and yell at him a lot. (That’s pretty much how my prayer life is, every day.)
4. What would #9’s Fu’s favourite book be?
3001 Beards for Serious Beard Artists.
5. Who would swear fealty to whom, #2 Ulandin or #6 Yen?
Ulandin’s already sworn fealty to Sol, so he’s all full up as far as devoting one’s life to a dark-skinned insane and beautiful woman with a bad childhood goes. (There’s a certain worrying similarity in my femme fatales.) Yen would try to seduce him, fail (because he loves Sol), and kill him. Probably with a single blood-red fingernail. (Thus the answer is: neither.)
6. #5 Ed needs a roommate. Who would be better, #9 Fu or #10 Mrs Fu?
All he wants is blood, and perhaps a Linkin Park record or three. But it’s established that his own mum turned him EMO, so perhaps Mrs Fu wins this one.
7. #2 Ulandin, #7 Pi and #12 Felicity Bloomfield have dinner together. Where do they go, what do they discuss?
Definitely at Felicity Bloomfield’s house, since (a) she’s a bit agoraphobic, (b) she gets seasick (which means Ulandin’s place won’t work), and (c) Pi is ten, so he’s unlikely to host. Plus she’s the mutual friend.
Ulandin loves kids, so he and Pi would get on very well (the disparity in IQ wouldn’t bother Pi – he’s used to it). Ulandin’d probably tell some amazing stories of the high seas. Or they’d talk about how to survive roomies who want to kill and/or eat you. Felicity would be in a corner, taking copious notes and muttering to herself.
8. #3 Jimmy Bind challenges #10 Mrs Fu to a duel. What happens?
That more or less happens in the tale, so I can’t tell you 🙂 But she’d probably use her mad fighting skills and he’d probably use some gaffa tape.
9. If #1 Sol stole #8 Boy’s most precious possession, how would he get it back?
Boy’s most precious “possession” IS Captain Sol. He wins her back by letting her know he cares for her, then backing off – for several decades.
10. Suggest a title for a story in which #7 Pi and #12 Felicity Bloomfield both attain what they most desire.
Pi would probably want a Nobel Prize. Or social skills. Felicity Bloomfield wants to have her books published. So the solution is for Felicity to write a bestseller in which Pi has social skills.
11. What kind of plot device would you use if you wanted #4 Bell and #1 Captain Sol to work together?
If the EMO plague spread to Captain Sol’s ship, it MIGHT be bad enough to make Sol allow another woman on board. Plus that’d make for plenty of tension – nice! Except Bell is so limpid I don’t really want to work with her again.
12. If #7 Pi visited for the weekend, how would you get along?
I like ten-year olds. I’d probably be patronising, then awkward once I realised he’s fifteen times smarter than I am.
13. If you could command #3 Jimmy Bind to perform any one task for you, what would it be?
He’s incredibly multilingual and has lots of powerful connections. I bet he could make a difference to third world poverty.
14. Which of your friends is most like #11 Louise Curtis?
Heh. Me, obviously. Probably Chris M, because he seems like a cheerful, good-hearted person. (My other friends more closely resemble Felicity Bloomfield, who means well and is intelligent and compassionate, while also being hopelessly mentally ill. Hi guys 😉 )
15. If #2 Ulandin had to choose sides between #4 Bell and #5 Ed, who would he choose?
Bell. He’s hard-wired to rescue the girl.
16. What might #Mrs Fu shout while charging into battle?
Death to everyone!! (but she’s say it in Chinese)
17. Which song represents #8 Boy?
18. #1 Sol, #6Yen and #12 Felicity Bloomfield reach for the last crumpet. Who wins?
It’s definitely not gonna be Felicity. Thankfully she’s intelligent enough to flee if Sol and Yen were in the same room. Sol and Yen are both small, psychotic, and deadly. Yen has formal fight training (plus greater flexibility), but Sol has magic. And Sol isn’t bothered by pain. So Sol wins. (Thus answering the pirate-vs-ninja debate, because Yen has, among other things, ninja skills.)
19. What might be a good pick-up line for #2 Ulandin to use on #10 Mrs Fu?
“Killing the world is a perfectly legitimate and feminine goal.” And he’d mean it, too.
20. What would #5 Ed most likely be arrested for?
Sucking the blood of innocent folks. (Too bad that would never happen in “Twilight”.)
21. What is #6’s Yen’s big secret?
That whole circus upbringing wasn’t meant to happen. If anyone in the spy community asks, she was raised by Shaolin monks. Or wolves. Or bears. Or pirahnas.
22. If #11 Louise Curtis and #9 Fu are racing, who wins?
Fu. Simple main character syndrome. (Characters are, on average, faster, stronger and smarter than nonfictional folk.)
23. Who would you feel safer with walking through a bad neighborhood? #7 Pi or #8 Boy.
Boy. He makes Sol and Yen look like little girls kicking his shins.
24. #1 Captain Sol and #9 Fu reluctantly team up to save the world from the threat of #4 Bell’s sinister secret organization. #11 Louise Curtis volunteers to help but is secretly in league with #4 Bell. Bell has kidnapped #12 Felicity Bloomfield to force them to surrender. By the wise advice of #5 Ed they seek out #3 Jimmy Bind to complete the quest. Title and story?
Body and Sol
So Bell’s turned EMO and kidnapped Felicity Bloomfield in order to hold Louise Curtis at bay (that’d work). Captain Sol lets Bell drink some of her blood (since Sol spills it so freely anyway) to distract her while Fu and Jimmy Bind overcome their differences and use a SuperSpy Secret Formula (TM) to finally cure the EMO menace (again).